Apart from spicy food, herds/flocks lazing and shitting around on the roads, puke on every street corner and b-grade film posters, one thing which i find fascinating about india in Agony Aunt columns in almost each and every newspaper and magazine. Be it a regional newspaper, a cook book, a sports magazine or a religious book, nothing is published without some alluring questions right there in the end superbly answered by Agony aunts.
I used to think whether it is a matter of proud that we Indians are so curious to know about each and everything or we are so dumb to understand these Agony aunts/uncles/whatever are not the messiahs or superhumans.I would have agreed to these points if anytime i would have seen our Defense minister or prime minister asking them about how to resolve the relations with neighbouring countries or our finance minister have consulted them before annual budget or at least a magistrate has gone to them before the final verdict for their opinion but pardon my ignorance, i had never come across any such thing. All the time i used to see people coming up with questions and getting fascinating answers. But once i felt the aura of these heavenly souls, it changed everything for me. So, here i am appealing to people to vote for AGONY AUNTS in upcoming elections. But why ?? ..then read further.
AGONY AUNT AS HOME COUNSELOR
1) I am an 18-year old, bubbly, attractive young girl. I overheard my parents, yesterday, plotting to get me married to a bald, pot-bellied man who is twice my age. This man has inherited a vast fortune and my parents feel that I would be financially secure. I want guy with long hairs like john Abraham, i feel like committing suicide.
Our Agony aunt Sulekha - Baby !!, You should try to convince your parents that bald man are out of fashion now a days and they are more prone to UV radiations. If they don't understand, contact Baba Bally(Hairy) Sagoo, he sits right opposite to Jhandewala temple and exports his Ayurvedic medicines to various African countries. Even i consulted him for my husband's problem.Do tell him my promotion code 231433.
Woww and people say India is laid back. Even the road side babas are using promotion codes. Thank u so much Agony Aunt.
AGONY AUNT AS FAMILY DOCTOR
2) I am a 17-year old girl having a huge pimple right on my nose and it is spoiling my otherwise Apsara(goddess) looks. I have applied all kinds of skin lotions on the pimple, but nothing seems to work. Please help.
(Like all the dermatologists are six feet under their graves)
Agony Aunt Sulekha - Baby !!, I don't believe in doctors, they suggest you some medicine which has more side effects on your face than the effect (sink...looks like entire Medical science is under the scanner now). Try some domestic treatment with a 5 gram mixture of turmeric powder with milk 6 times a day. It will give you relief. (RELIEF!!!, yes maybe..if she can handle diarrhea after that). If it doesn't help, please increase the dose to 8 times a day (and more visits to public bathrooms) or consult me back (for what ? Constipation..damn it).
Our Agony Aunts can definitely save some pennies for poor.
3) My grandfather died last year, leaving behind a will which bequeathed 1/3 of his property to the first son born to his first wife, another 1/3 of his property to the second daughter born to his second wife and balance 1/3 to his third wife, who is missing. I am the second son born to the third daughter of his second wife. Can I stake a claim at all to a share of the property ?
Agont aunt Sulekha - Dear !!, As per the Logical equations, i drew a family tree of yours with 3 nodes and 3 leaves so I advice to cripple your first step mother and hang your third step mother, so that this tree will contain only one leaf and one node and it will be easier calculation. Please deposit 5% amount to ICICI Acct no XXXXXXXXX420 as my commission money (otherwise i will suggest the same to your step brothers...hehe)
Who says Mathematical equations are complex ? At least not for our agony aunts.
I can fill this blog with hundreds of questions which our Agony Aunts answer so proficiently that sometimes i get amazed whether we actually need specialists for different fields. More people listen to Agony aunt advices than Polio campaigns so widely publicized by government. Then why not to have them at all higher positions like cabinet, home ministry, IAS officers, health department and what not. In the end, we all need a government which listen to us and in which we all believe in.
So, Junta wake up and identify the true well wishers for you.